****

Customer Service

…

A physician from the Third District provided the list of companies needed for the scam.  Compiled of ninety-six names, the knowledge it provided guaranteed the possessor of living into their 150’s- perhaps even longer. Two men, domissociates, sat opposite one another in their multipurpose chairs as they had every morning for the past six months. A third chair sat empty as coffee brewed in the display.

“Alright let's do this.” Alfredo said, grabbing his RecPad.

The men didn’t look at each other; both held the other in about equal esteem, though Alfredo Rodriguez tested much higher on his manipulation and deception exams. This sort of information wasn’t usually available to citizenry, but he used these tools of deceit against the very doctor who administered his test two days earlier; this is also how he acquired the list for the con. Alfredo’s schemes had fizzled out twice already, but this one was subtle- and he knew it would work.

“We’re going to start with the big companies first.” He continued. “Remember, you have to say the names clearly. And no jokes this time. They have algorithms for detecting your bullshit so don’t fuck around. I’m serious. Now, like I said yesterday, you get more credit for saying the big company names but it only works once. What they want is for us to say the names of the smaller companies, the subsidiaries. On those we get less points but we can say ‘em as much as we want.”

GovPro, whose technology was embedded in all facets of modern life, was not an official government, but a tech-conglomerate government partner.  The nature of the tech, however, made their mission central to all New American Republic government business.  GovPro awarded credit for what they deemed Positive Civilian Actions, or PCA. The credit could then be converted to cash or put directly toward the user’s GovPro nanobot subscription. Everyone chose the latter.

The man opposite Alfredo shifted in his seat. Although not quite as smart as his domissociate, Finn scored higher on his docility exam; a trait heavily favored by GovPro. The domicile assignments were based on the compatibility tests taken by the general population every six months. The two men knew this to be the case but did not know what specific traits were used for the algorithm. Finn was docile and kind- but far from stupid; and there was something about his eyes that bothered Alfredo, something he found distrustful.  The algorithms were near perfect in most matters, though, and both accepted the match.  He moved his RecPad into position, gave the startup command, and took his cup of coffee from the display.  It wasn’t real coffee of course: the last of the real coffee trade was destroyed in the Second Paraguayan War- which was now lumped into the broadly termed ‘Climate Wars.’  He held in his cup Cafe Nouveau- a poor substitute produced by the biotech giants.  His eyes perked up at the sound of Alfredo’s voice.

Ready?” Alfredo asked.

“Yeah.”

The ruse was simple- probably because it wasn’t much of a ruse at all.  It was part of the GovPro user terms and agreement: a user’s lifespan was lengthened by the direct verbal advertising of the user- the more products one suggested to one’s friends- the longer the user’s life.  What was not known, however, was the specific values given to each company in relation to the user/advertiser and the consumer.  Alfredo did not gain access to this specific algorithm, but he did manage to obtain a list of the top awarded companies- a list he read off his RecPad.

“Have you heard about General Electric?” Alfredo started.

“General Electric?  That sounds amazing.” Finn answered, clearly.

“Have you heard about General Electric?” Alfredo repeated.

“General Electric?  That sounds wonderful.” Finn answered again, this time with a different inflection in his voice.

“Have you heard about General Electric?”

“General Electric?  Tell me more.”  Finn finished, changing his tone again.

The two men repeated this ritual with a dozen different company names; each sequence only being read a single time and with varying inflections.  

The change of voice attempted an appearance of a varied consumer audience; not something Alfredo was told to do- just another creation of a manipulative mind.  This scene occurred in one way or another with all citizenry of the New American Republic- though not as concentrated.  After the horrors of the New Confederacy- and the horrors used to fight it- most people were content to go along with this new way of life.  Those who accepted the terms and conditions of GovPro products lived longer lives, were smarter and healthier, and generally better people.  The bots cured cancers, scrubbed plaque from the arteries of hearts- they could even mend a broken spine.  So what if you had to do some product placement in your daily life- was it really so bad to tell one person a day you drink Pepsi because it makes you feel good?  Isn’t an extra twenty years of life worth the cost of informing your friends and family about the high quality fabrics at the Gap?  Most people thought it was.

Finn sipped his coffee.

After exhausting the list of big ticket companies they moved on to the subsidiaries.  The process used by Alfredo and Finn remained the same as the day before but with one important distinction; today they recorded their forged conversations and played Finn’s responses back at altered pitches- simulating the voices of different people speaking.  This gave the impression to GovPro that they were both putting in some serious PCA time.  Or so they thought.

The pair repeated the same sequence as before but substituted the subsidiary names for the larger companies.  As there were many more subsidiaries it took nearly an hour to complete, but they finished the task and ran it through a voice modifier app on the RecPads.  The plan was to let the app change the inflection and pitch and have the conversations run-on outloud for a few hours.  The doctor who supplied the list told Alfredo GovPro only monitored the words and matched the voice to the user, but they did not monitor for voice resonance.  This meant as long as the user was in the same room with a consumer, and both were heard discussing company names and products, then both were awarded credit.  When the last sequence was read aloud, both men started the voice modifier app and pressed play.

The voices sounded funny, but that was the point of the app- and the point of the scam.  After a few minutes Alfredo logged into his GovPro account and checked his credit.  The graph showing his credit activity had a slight uptick; exactly what Alfredo was hoping to see.  “It’s working.” He said grinning.  “Check for yourself, but I’m going to let it play for a while.”

Alfredo slipped on his headphones, and Finn, after checking his account, started another cup of coffee.  The news he heard in his headset was bad.  The refugee crisis was getting out of control in China and the camps had broken down into anarchy.  The Chinese claimed to have given the migrants every chance to assimilate but now had no choice but to act.  Inspectors were not allowed in the camps but massive fires could be seen from satellite imagery.  Sucks to be them, Alfredo thought.  He looked at his RecPad and then up at Finn.  Alfredo froze.

 The look on Finn’s face was one of a dead man; a person so lifeless he could have been one of those old department store mannequins.  He was pale, eyes opaque.  The skin on his cheeks was sunken and drooping- losing its long unacknowledged fight against gravity.  He sat motionless.

 “What the hell?” Alfredo gasped.

He felt something inside him begin to move; to boil.

Alfredo’s heart, which had been beating at an average of eighty-four beats per minute a moment before, jumped to two hundred in an instant.  He clutched the armrest of his multichair as sweat began pouring out of his brow.  His mouth twisted and contorted, teeth flashing and snarling like a rabid animal, veins popped from his neck, eyes bulging.  He tried to move but found the muscles of his body all flexed at once, and the only movement he managed to produce was a desperate full-bodied flinch.  Alfredo trembled.  Panicking now, he took heaving gulps of air, and felt a weight pressing down on him from every direction.  Eventually (he couldn’t tell if it was a minute or an hour) he found he still controlled his breathing- the realization allowed him to slow down some.  Sweat continued to drip down his face as his heart rate gradually declined.

He sat there, quivering.  Fear coagulated in his blood.

 After what felt like an eternity, a familiar jingle rang in his headset- followed by a bright recorded message: “Thank you for using GovPro Services, a subsidiary of Arby’s.  A customer support specialist will be with you shortly.”

The line clicked.  

“Thank you for holding this is Cedric, I’ll be your GovPro customer care representative today, Mister.. Rodriguez.  It looks like we’ve got you and your domissociate on hold so let me just free up some of your general motor movements here...”

Alfredo could hear the clicking of a keyboard in his headset and felt the instant release of all the muscles in his body.  The relief was short lived, however, because no sooner had his body been released that he realized he still had no motor control- just that he wasn’t flexed.  He could move his head and speak but the rest of his body laid in the chair like a sack of flour.

“Mr. Rodriguez?” Cedric asked.

“Yeah, I’m here! What the hell is going on? I can't move.” 

“Mr. Rodriguez, thank you for holding today.  If you just give me one moment we’ll have you up and moving in just a few seconds.”  Cedric’s tone was formal but friendly- Alfredo couldn’t tell if he was human or bot.  Impossible to tell these days.

“Mr Rodriguez, I’m afraid it looks like you’ve violated our user terms and agreement.”

Alfredo’s eyes popped, then flashed to Finn, but instead of seeing the lifeless mannequin he had a moment before, he saw two vivid eyes staring straight back at him.  His blood boiled.

“You set me up, you son of a bitch!” Alfredo screamed- his head flailing back and forth in a rage, spittle flying from his mouth.  “I’ll kill you!”

“No, Mr Rodriguez, your domissosiate was not involved and is not to blame here.  But it looks like you have violated the user terms for the third time in as many years.  We have no choice but to go ahead and cancel your subscription to GovPro, and all GovPro related products.”

“W-what? What about Finn? He violated them too!”

“Yes, Mr. Hessenburg is also in violation.” The care specialist answered.  “He will receive the same first warning you did, but will also have a rare opportunity to see what a canceled subscription can look like.  Mr. Hessenburg? Can you hear me?”

“Yes.” Finn coughed- eyes wide in terror.

“Great.  Now that you can both hear me I will explain how a cancelation works.  First, we must remove our tech from your body, Mr. Rodriguez.  Luckily, with the assistance of your domissociate, this can be done remotely and without much pain.”

No sooner had Cedric finished speaking than a dark gray trickle began oozing out of Alfredo’s nostrils like an onyx nosebleed.  The liquid dripped down his face and neck, under his shirt and down his sleeve- next making its journey to the floor.  The goo glimmered with microscopic bots.  It crawled and snaked across the tile, towards Finn’s leg, and on and up his pants.  Both men could see the other shaking.  Alfredo watched in horror as the nanobots previously inhabiting his body crept up under the collar and past the lips of his opposite.  A blend of dread and disgust gripped his mind.  

Finn meant to scream but could only muster a dry squeak from the back of his throat.  His head shook violently as his nose drank down the black snake.  Helpless to stop the violation; his eyes darkened until they were two inky pools without dimension.  After a moment he stopped shaking and his eyes returned, but they were not the same.

The men looked at one another in shock.  “W-what n-now?” Aflredo stammered. 

“Well, now we part ways, Mr. Rodriguez.  And you are welcome to seek out the services of other nanotech providers.  But there is just one more thing I would like to share,  Mr. Rodriguez.  It looks like the physician who tipped us off also confirmed what we are seeing on our monitors, and I am afraid to inform you- although GovPro was able to hold it off until now, you appear to have a massive aneurysm building behind your left eye.  I am afraid to say that after we complete our conversation, you will need to seek immediate medical attention.  It is a life and death condition, Mr. Rodriguez.”

Alfredo’s mouth dropped.  His eyes were on Finn but his terror would no longer allow him to see the man.  If he had, he would have seen a wretch, someone ruined and equally petrified- like a funhouse mirror from hell.

“Mr. Rodriguez, can you confirm you heard what was said?”

Alfredo thought he understood what was happening, but clung to the desperate and false hope that a non-confirmation would give him more time.  

“Mr Rodriguez, I’m going to go ahead and get a non-verbal confirmation using the last of the product we have in your head.  This will be removed after our conversation is terminated, but we can use it now to assess your understanding of the situation..”  Alfredo heard more keyboard clicking.  “Alright, we have your non-verbal confirmation.”  

“No!” He cried.  But there was nothing Alfredo could do.

“Mr. Rodriguez, I would like to go ahead and thank you on behalf of GovPro Services for your patronage.  We sure hope you find help with that aneurysm, and have a nice day.”  

He heard a soft click, felt his body relax, and saw a ghost-white Finn; lips trembling, eyes wide in shock.  Then, after a slight twitch and the sensation of electric warm water being poured on his face, Alfredo tumbled to the floor.  A fresh cup of Cafe Nouveau steamed in the display.

~~~

Mock Duck Soup 5/20/20

The sketches are for a story I'm dreaming up about a deer named Egg and a bear named Nathaniel- equal parts adversaries and friends who explore the consequences of nature, ego, and entropy.  The Dark Tower meets Lion King.